Monday, July 8, 2013

the wrong kind of right

tonight, today, I have alot to get off my chest. Now, relationship wise, have you ever thought that someone was meant exactly for you, that he or she was the one, your soulmate, your happily ever only to realize months or years or if your lucky, weeks after that you were better off without him? I have.

What I meant to say is, I ignored my conscience. the smarter part of me. I was caught up in this delusion that love would conquer all, that with love everything was possible. Well, screw that thought.

I knew it wasn't right, maybe not from the first 2 years. But the last 1.5 years before it ended, my inner thoughts were getting louder, my doubts bigger. And yet when it ended the first time, I went abit mad. I was so defensive, I didnt listen to what my heart was saying. Im as stubborn as an ox, I refuse to follow orders. It had to end on my own terms, my own decision only then will I not be bitter and regretful. In a way, Im glad I ended it no soon after that. I was sure, like  "what the fuck am I doing still being here" kind of sure. I walked away, and I never looked back.

looking back, it would never have worked. For me to change who I'am for someone, I cant do it. I thought in time, maybe I could..but as the years passed, it only made me wanna leave. But I really did treasure what we had, and so I just didnt know if I could ever walk away without regretting anything. I didnt know if I could ever love this way again, or be as comfortable as I was with someone. But my nagging conscience wouldnt leave me alone. I had to leave already, and I took the last row as a sign to escape. And boy did I
ran.

For everything thats happen, I'm glad I didnt stoop to his level of childish words of war. I was always better than that, and although there will always be some part of regrets about the relationship, it made me more mature. it made me respect myself more, it made me realize what I was about, and to know whats wrong will always be wrong, no more emotional manipulation, no more being a doormat, no more. I deserved more. And maybe, he was right when he said I was less passionate about us already. I knew that I didn't love him as much anymore. I just stayed for the sake of the years we spent together.

Most of all, even without the religious issue or family issues, I would have walked away anyway. Cause the main problem is, I was never really happy with him. As the saying goes,

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

seeing it was my first serious relationship and having my heart shattered by my best friend then, I thought he was an angel, sent down to complete me. What a load of bull. So yes, when he said I was full of bullshit, I surely was. A whole lot of it. and a whole lot of that went away when I was free again.

Listen, you know much better than you think you do. much smarter than you give yourself credit for. And let noone ever tell you other wise.

I can breathe easily now, as if my burden has been lifted. no more pain, no more guilt, no more lies and most of all, no more of me being in denial. I'm free.

I thank life for the experience, through this, I know what kind of person Iam, how exciting life can still be, and how I can love my family more.



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